A had no credit left, that’s why he didn’t text me back. I knew it was something silly like that.
Is the survival of the species an end in itself? I don’t think it would be enough to keep me alive. It doesn’t give me, as an individual with thoughts, feelings, any reason to live. It’s not enough, not enough to give me purpose. I can’t let my happiness depend on anybody else. I won’t be a slave to convention and propriety.
And my kitteh arrives tomorrow. W00t!
Meanwhie, I sti need a new keyoard
I teksted A tonite to know what time he comes in tomorrow morning so I don’t start at the same time. He never replied, and I was left wondering for 3 hours why he wasn’t replying. Did I make a mistake at work that he had to clean up? Was he zapped off of this special task and doesn’t wanna tell me? Why is he putting this distance between us? Too many questions, when the answer is probably the plainest, most obvious one: he was eaten by zombies.
If there is any thought behind the order of songs on a cd, if a particular order will make the cd more appealing or some songs sell better I’m sure there must be a marketing study somewhere on that
With even fewer letters
I had a blast
I’m still getting used to the idea that S is gone
I feel like an onion, one layer disappearing every time a friend of mine leaves, leaving the core raw and exposed, and soon there’ll be nothing left to peel
To France tomorrow
Was supposed to bring my cat back but now I’m not sure it will be possible
My mother pissed me off by email today, oh what a surprise I’m really not looking forward to seeing her
So, don’t know if I’ll be updating this blog until end of nekst week
You guys be good
I used to like going to work, at least since A arrived, because A was there and I was always looking forward to seeing him but I grew out of even that He was gone for a week, and I missed him at first but the Earth didn’t stop turning and I got used to it I’m losing interest, because he’s not even on the cheating market, and for some reason I can’t get close enough to him for him to want to be my friend I had tekssted him before but today he asked me for my number I’m afraid he will be just a guy I used to know, and, just like Chris, become a ghost of seasons past
*(sorry, no punctuation, was ekstra on my computer, kinda like those cars where signals are an option)
* in French, an artichoke heart is someone who falls in love easily
Yesterday I went swimming and I saw a guy who reminded me of Chris -had to look twisse to make sure it wasn’t him
(my computer is crapping out on me, some letters like “see” and the period don’t work – bad grammar, I don’t mean the period is a letter; anyway) That was a really bad day at work where I made a mistake and can’t talk about it here 
because you never know, suffice to say it sucked for the patient and sure, error is human but we’re talking about life saving stuff here so a mistake is always dramatic and kan be a question of life or death So that made me sick yesterday and today and I’ve actually reached my breaking point where it’s all spiraling down and all the voices in my head accuse me of not doing things right and they won’t shut up and I get so upset and unbearable that I kan feel A pulling away from me and falling silent until something brings my mood springing back up for no frakking reason
but I can only pretend for so long
My ex-husband remarked the other day that if I cut myself to relieve tension I end up on meds or in the hospital but if I smoke it’s totally accepted What gives?
Same old krap, not any more lyrical, pain is old, it’s only got meaning if I get better but there’s still no justification for it
there is no happy place just krap everywhere I flee
it may not be enough but it’s all I got and all I can give so go frak yourself I’m not the one who’s not worth it I have no skin imagine if I were the emperor
I don’t care about the weight of your cross (all of you normal people) because mine has eclipsed my horizon and all the suns in my life the sky is empty except for the vultures waiting for me to give up
I have no crown I abdicated yesterday my whole life is made up of frakked up yesterdays and impossible tomorrows it’d be funny if it weren’t so pathetic
bitterness is pointless too
what would I give to be billions of light years away from home stranded on a spaceship
didn’t think you kould be high on antidepressants but there I am
hope is an unchartered territory, aye aye
I was so pissed off that I:
- ate meat, me, the vegetarian
- killed a spider, smashing it repeatedly
- created a Horde toon on Warcraft.
Aye. Sour times indeed.
Resenting my mother didn’t make any sense anymore.
If I had been tru what she has been thru
Wouldn’t I be bitter too?
I’m holding her to standards I don’t apply to myself
Because I am flawed too.
So if I’m blaming her
Why am I hurting myself?
I’ve tasted agony-
Somebody put me out of my misery.
*sigh*
I just noticed today…
Universe starts with you.
“I’ve been in Sorrow’s kitchen, and I licked all the pots.” ~Zora Neale Hurston
that I realized there’s no hope with A whatsoever. That he’s charming with everyone, it’s just his personality, and that no, he’s not attracted to me at all. At least he doesn’t think of me that way.He doesn’t do it on purpose, and I fell for something that wasn’t there. And today he was saying again how he would quit if he doesn’t get a week off for Christmas to go see his family, and he’s serious, and it may well happen, because as far as I know we’re all getting 2 or 3 days off each. And I get the fact that I get attached to people then they abandon me and leave. And that I won’t see him again, and he’ll just be another memory, another guy I used to know. I can’t do this anymore, because I get ripped apart every time. It reminds me of all the Chrises of the world and makes me mad. Mad at them for leaving, mad at myself for caring. It hurts every time, and it still makes absolutely no sense.
I’m just a lonely speck of useless, beaten flesh.
I think I’ll go cut myself now.
