I can’t stand myself.

Bleh

Had to take the rest of the week off because work was too stressful. I’ve arrived at the point where I now wish that A will get the job and leave because he’s the favorite of clients & the reps and it pisses me off. Brings me back to my childhood when my brother was the favorite and once when my parents fought one of them said “I take R, you take L and you leave” to which the other replied “no, I take R, you take L and you leave”. Thanks guys. Feel the love. Been so stressed out that I don’t have a clear mind anymore and the bad thoughts keep me down, spiraling down. So I was playing Wow and started a dunjeon with some players and one of them starting getting at me for not knowing how to turn off my pet’s growl and how he knew my class better than I did and why play it if I didn’t know how to play and another one saying how to turn growl off was ‘common knowledge”. Well sorry guys if I don’t know every single damn thing in this game and play to have fun and don’t take it too seriously. I don’t have to be the best in Wow, I just want to have fun. And I do happen to have a job and not spend every waking moment on that game. Get your priorities straight. Knowing everything about Wow won’t get you far in life. That’s not a skill.
And if that wasn’t enough, went to the psychiatrist this morning and it was a new guy and the psychiatrists in that hospital are still students, I think it’s part of their training, and this guy wanted to help me but his way of doing it was to lecture me and tell me some people have it worse than I do and there’s no reason to lose hope. To which I said “I don’t care if they have it worse than me, it’s not helping. Just give me my meds and leave me alone.” He hasn’t realized that we’re not all the same, we don’t react like him because we’re not all equipped the same. I’ve said it before. I say it again. Try walking in my shoes for a day, try BPD and tell me how you like it, and I dare you to tell me some have it worse. It doesn’t matter. And how do you know what they’re going thru is worse? Again, try BPD.

Go fuck yourselves, all of you, I-know-better-than-you, I-m-better-than-you, holier-than-you assholes. You don’t get to judge me, because you don’t get me.

Don’t let my heart turn sore

My crush on A is over. I still like him a lot, but I’m not in awe anymore, or however you want to describe it. I hung out with him and a couple friends after work and he lost his magic. He didn’t seem so impressive anymore. BPD didn’t strike tho, because he’s not 20 levels below 0 in my esteem either. Don’t think I might become stable after all tho. I have a new crush. He’s also a colleague, he’s older, I know what he looks like but I’ve never met him, only talked to him on the phone. I’m a real “artichoke heart”. Always need a new passion to keep me busy and feeling alive.
These past few days I’ve been feeling good. I was wondering if I was finally becoming close to what I expect is “normal”, ie in a good mood and able to deal with crap coming my way and stress. Still scarred, but still standing. And today I lost it again. It just got too hard and the reps make me feel that they prefer to deal with A because he’s better at that kind of things than me. I’ll repeat myself, but I feel like a kid all over again when my parents preferred my brother. It made me wonder a few minutes ago, about my friends. I like people and I look up to them. They’re more social, funnier, or they seem to succeed more. They all have something I wish I had. And it made me wonder if I wasn’t keeping myself down, less than others, in the place my mother -and father- taught me to be.
Freedom is such a privilege, and parents so overrated.

*Stay (just a little bit more)-The Do

Le coup de gueule de la semaine

I went swimming this afternoon and only 2 hairdryers out of 4 were working. They were already in use when I got there, so I waited. One was occupied by a woman and her tweenage daughter was waiting for it, so I was waiting on the other one, occupied by a mom who was brushing her daugther’s hair, who must have been 5 (the girl, not the hair. Altho that’s possible too.) The dryer stopped and I thought “my turn” because the kid’s hair looked dry, but no. She pressed the on button again. And this is what makes me mad. There she is, stay-at-home mom (there’s no way she’d have gone to work with hair/no makeup like that) brushing her daughter’s hair because that’s all she has to do. That’s what she does. Me, I go to work in hte morning, every morning, and sometimes I go swimming to unwind. I’m busy working my ass off, while you’re home lougning in the sofa watching Dr Phil on TV while your kid is sleeping. So no, I don’t have the time to wait until you’re done abusing ressources that I‘m paying for (because seriously, what’s your contribution to society?), because I want to go home, take a shower, do all the things you had time to do all day but I didn’t, and it’s my turn to relax. So yes, you piss me off because you live in your little bubble and have no consideration for others. A bubble of stupid baby talk and poopy diapers and oops, I just dropped 20 IQ points. Oh, and I was first in line, but another mom who had started talking to her got before me to dry her son’s hair (and my butt hair is longer than the hair he had on his head – well not really, but you get my point). You’re going to the swimming pool on my money, so screw you all.

I wonder

if Alzeihmer’s patients ever lose the  capacity to love because their brains are turning  into sponge. When you lose everything, memories, the ability to get dressed and just take care of yourself, your dignity, what is the last thing to go?

The ghost of seasons past

Every day brings us closer to A’s departure. He told me today that he applied for a job in Paris he heard of thru a friend and they called him and left him a message. He might leave even sooner than I thought. And part of me feels like he’s already gone. All we’ll ever be is friends, and who knows for how long. I wish he would leave today, or that he’d left already, because I don’t like to see him unhappy. And I hope it works out between him and his girlfriend. I guess I’ve already let him go.

Irish weather update

Snow! We gots snow! I love it, but maybe not for long. We’ve had a cold spell lasting since Dec. 18, and Ireland was so not ready for it.(It’s the worst weather they’ve had in 40 years). Schools will remained closed until Wednesday and may reopen on Thursday. But then again, maybe not, and the newspaper was saying the economy may come to a standstill next week. On Friday, we were told that we had enough salt for the roads until Wednesday. We’re scrambling to get salt from abroad but since the rest of Europe is also affected it’s tough. And because it’s been freezing every night and sometimes even during the day it doesn’t reach 0, people have left their water running so that the pipes wouldn’t freeze (they don’t pay for water in this country), so now we have a drought situation. In my part of town, there’s no running water. I can’t shower, can’t wash the dishes (so can’t bake cakes) and can’t do laundry. Local stores are already running out of water. And my landlord told me we’re fine for heating as long as we have water left in the tank, but if there’s none left we won’t be able to heat our houses anymore.
And where was the minister of transportation? On vacation in Malta.

A says when people see me they don’t see my parents, because they don’t know them. But I do. I’m reminded of them all the time. The intonation of my voice, my cheekbones, and so on. I feel like dying my hair blue, burning the end of my fingers, hitting my head against a wall until I forget all about them. Because I feel like it’s the only way I could let go. Because my strengths, I also owe them to them. I don’t want to owe them anything.
Fuck mothers who have kids to do like everybody else, and fathers who do only to please their wives.

A few days ago I thought that my best revenge is not to have kids, not to pass on their genes. Because if in nature’s eye I’m not useful because I can’t have kids, neither are they. Their lives will have been pointless, especially my mother’s, who was a stay-at-home mom.

Fuck them all.

I officially hate Paypal

Because they limited my account, me, a hard-working, (most of the time) honest citizen. Because they do not list a phone number I can call from abroad. Because when you click on contact them by email you actually have to type in a question and they give you a list of questions to click on but no email address to write you. It’s absolutely impossible to get in touch with them, and I have money sitting in that Paypal account.

I am so done with these motherfuckers.

And back again

Was gone to the Netherlands for a few days. Just came back. Was in the queue in Brussels to get in the plane and this guy struck a conversation with me. Irish, but living in the States for the past 16 years. Very friendly. Was not actually hard to talk to him, didn’t have to rack my brains for something to say. Then I thought of the moment we’d get in the plane and they’d open teh back of the plane so there would be two ways to get in, and how if he went to the back I’d follow him. And there I was, waiting in line outside in front of the stairs to the front of the plane, and they openend the back, and he looked at me and said he was going in this way, and his way was like “come and follow me” but I was just rooted to the spot and didn’t follow and remained in my line, stupid, not daring. See, because if I had followed him, my name wouldn’t be L. And yes, if I wanted to be melodramatic I could say that I just let the love of my life pass me by. That’s what I get for being socially clumsy. Poor guy probably wondering what he did wrong. I’m so not ready to be in a relationship, not with all the loathing I have for myself. Don’t want to burden anybody with the weight of my insecurities, but above all inadequacy.
Rooted to the spot stupid, now aching.

Off to bed.